Jokes

Take these jokes on your next outdoor hunting, fishing or camping trip and if you hear a good one to add, please send us a copy. Thanks.

38. Question about the deer crossing road sign. How do they get the deer to cross at the yellow sign?

37. If you are a newlywed don't plan a hunting honeymoon in Oblong. In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make whoppie while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

35. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

34. Bubba say: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll be late for supper.

33. The 3-Kick Rule  A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Nebraska. He shot and dropped a bird,
but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence,
an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied,
"This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the
best trial attorneys in Nebraska and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything
you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in
these parts of Nebraska. We settle small disagreements like this with the Husker Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land,
First I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on backand forth until someone
gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily
take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from
the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work
boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the
lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his
will and managed to get to his feet Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,   "Okay,
you old coot.   Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have
the duck."

31. THE CEDER SHINGLE METHOD FOR COOKING A NORTHERN SHOVELER. Select a thin, ceder shingle and place the carefully cleaned duck artfully in the center of the shingle. Prepare the skin of the spoonie by rubbing lightly with salt and sprinkling with sage, rosemary and thyme. Peel and quarter a red onion and place it in the body cavity. Drape the top of the bird with bacon slices, affixing them with toothpicks. Garnish with basil sprigs and cook in a slow oven, 325 degrees for forty minutes, basting once. When it is fully cooked, remove from the oven, pour a hearty red wine to go with it. Take it out, scrape the duck into the trash can and eat the shingle. Bon Apetit!

29. D E E R H U N T DIARY
0100: Alarm goes off and scares HECK out of me.
0200: Throw everything in truck except kitchen sink.
0300: Leave for DEEP DEEP woods.
0315: Drive back home to pick up gun.
0330: Drive like HECK to get to woods before dawn.
0400: Set up camp-- Forgot the tent.
0430: Head for the woods.
0605: See 8 deer walking slowly.
0606: Take aim and very gently squeeze trigger.
0607: "CLICK"..... goes the gun.
0608: Load gun while seeing dear run fast over hill.
0800: Head back to camp.
0900: Still looking for camp.
1000: Realize I don't know where camp is.
N O O N: Fire gun for help.-- Eat wild berries,, Good.
1215: Run out of bullets... 8 deer return.
1220: Very strange feeling in stomach.
1230: Realize berries were poison.
1245: RESCUED.
1255: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
1500: Arrive back at camp.
1530: Leave to kill deer.
1600: Return to camp for bullets.
1601: Load gun -- Leave camp again.
1709: Empty gun on squirrel that kept bugging me.
1800: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing in camp.
1801: Load gun.
1802: Fire gun.
1803: One dead pick-up truck.
1805: Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer.
1806: Repress desire to shoot hunting partner.
1807: Fall into fire.
1810: Change clothes-Throw burned clothes into fire.
1815: Take truck - Leave hunting partner and deer in camp.
1825: Pick-up boils over, hole in block.
1826: Start walking.
1830: Meet BIG bear.
1836: Take careful aim at bear.
1837: Fire gun - blow up barrel- plugged with mud.
1838: Mess pants and climb a nearby oak tree.
2100: Bear finally leaves, wrap gun around big tree.
M I D N I G H T: Home at last................

27. A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visitor asked, "When did you bag him?" The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife. It was a most enjoyable hunt I ever have had. The taxidermist did a great job on him, this lion is stuffed with something special." "What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter. "My wife."

26. Old fishermen never die, they just smell that way.

25. Four friends went out deer hunting and paired off for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a monstrous ten point buck he was dragging. The first pair of hunters whom had been back at camp and started making supper asked simultaneously, "Where's Billy Bob?" The lonely tired hunter says "Billy Bob had a stroke of some kind, he's a couple of miles back up the trail." The worried hunters ask, "You left Billy Bob out there, and carried the deer back instead?" The lonely tired hunter replies "Yep, it was a tough call, but I figured no one in their right mind would steal Billy."

23. A man was recently stopped by a game warden in eastern Nebraska. A man carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asks the man, do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don't I'm going too have to impound them and arrest you." The man replied to the game warden, "No sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish the warden replied." "yes sir. Every night I bring these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for awhile. Then I whistle and they jump back into my buckets, and we go home." "That's a bunch of bull! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you it really works." "OK I've got to see this" (he was really curious now) The man poured the fish into the lake and stood there waiting. "When are you going to call them back?" The warden asked. "Call who back?" The man asked. "The fish" the warden said. "What fish?" The man asked.

22. A fisherman is a jerk at one end of a line waiting for a jerk at the other end.

21. Two hunters were out Elk hunting in Colorado and as they were walking through the woods, one of them slipped down to the ground and started grabbing his chest, as he was in a great deal of pain. Luckily his friend had a cell phone and called 911 promptly. He tells the lady on the other end of the line "I need help, I think my friend is dead!" She says "Calm down, I can help. First, make sure he is dead." As the operator waited on the phone calmly, and thentwo gun shots are heard. The man comes back on the line and says " Now what?"

19. Three men go deer hunting, two are smart and one is dumb. The first one goes out and 2 hours later comes back with a huge buck. The other two ask how he did it, and he says "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer and I shot the deer. So the other smart hunter goes out and 1 hour later he comes back with a bigger buck. So the dumb hunter asks, "How did you do it?" The second hunter says "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer and I shot the deer. So now the dumb hunter goes out and 6 hours later he comes back all bruised and beaten up. The two smart hunters asked what happened. The dumb hunter replies, "Well, I found the tracks, I followed the tracks and I got hit by a train."

17. Bob and Chuck went Mule Deer hunting, and Chuck shoots a BIG Muley. They started to take it back to their truck. They were pulling it by the hind feet. This made the hair snag on all of the rocky terrain making it a tough battle. Another hunter, seeing their dilemma, told them it would be a heck of a lot easier to pull the deer by the antlers. That way the hair wouldn't snag on the ground. The guys thanked the man as he went on his way. After a taking a small break they picked up the deer and started dragging him. Bob turns to Chuck and says "This is a lot easier." Chucks says, "Yeah, but we sure are getting a long way away from the truck."

15. Hunter asks Eskimo "What ya doin' there?" Eskimo replies "I'm making a Polar Bear trap." Hunter comes back with "Now how in the heck is drilling a hole in the ice there gonna make a Polar Bear trap?" Eskimo says "When the Polar Bear goes to investigate the new hole I've drilled in the ice, I sneak up behind him and kick him in the ICEHOLE!"

14. It doesn't matter how big your worm is or how deep you fish it, it's just how good you can wiggle it.

13. There was this old buck and a young buck standing on top of the ridge overlooking a beautiful meadow. Grazing in the meadow below was a small heard of does. The young buck says to the older buck "Why don't we run down to the meadow and mate with a few of those does?" The older buck turns to the young buck and repleid "Why don't we walk down to the meadow and mate with them all?" - Moral of the story: With age comes wisdom.

11. Two young kids are out squirrel hunting, and they encounter a very large angry bear. The bear is coming at the boys in a hurry and they realize they have to do something, but they quickly realize they can't stop an angry bear with their pellet guns. Jamie says to Chad "What are we gonna do?" Chad says " I'm gonna make a run for it!" Jamie says "You can't out run a bear." Chad as he's running off says "I don't have to out run the bear, I only have to out run YOU!!!"

10. If God didn't want us to eat birds, fish or mammals, why did he make em' taste so good?

9. Ya' know when Geese fly south for the winter, they usually fly in "V" pattern, it helps them out aerodynamically. But do you know what the reason is when they are flying sometimes, one side of the "V' appears longer than the other side?...Of course!...It's because there are more birds on that side.

7. One day Chris and Jeff were out hunting and they got lost. Chris tells Jeff "Wait, don't panic I learned what to do in case this ever happens. You are supposed to shoot up into the air three times and someone will come help you." Jeff say "OK, oh yeh, I guess I've heard of that too." So he shoots three times into the air. They both wait an hour and no one shows up. So they shoot three times again and still no one shows up. Bewildered they try this again and again for the next couple of hours. Jeff starts to look a little worried, then shouts "Chris it better work this time, we're down to our last three arrows!"

5. A taxidermist is on vacation down south. He is feeling a little thirsty and decides to have a few drinks at the nearest tavern. Upon entering the tavern, the conversation stops and all eyes turn to him. Feeling uneasy, he makes his way to the bar to order a beer. The bartender serves him and says, "Ya ain't from around here are ya?" The taxidermist replies "No...I 'm from Nebraska." The bartender responds "What is it that you do up there in Nebraska?" The taxidermist says, "Well, I'm a taxidermist." The bartender turns to his friend and says " A taxidermist?...Hey Westlund, you ever heard of a taxidermist!?" Westlund says "Nope, never heard of that before." So the bartender immediately asks the taxidermist, "So Mr. Taxidermist, what is it that you do exactly?" The taxidermist replies proudly with a smile, "I mount animals." The bartender looks around the room and shouts out to the crowded bar, "Its OK boys--he's one of us!"

3. Two moose hunters went on on their hunting trip every winter without ever being successful. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and practiced all year learning the mating call of a cow moose. After practicing and plotting for an entire year they made their game plan. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull with their newly learned mating call, then jump out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, as they stood there quietly in their anatomically accurate cow moose costume they began to give the lonesome lovesick moose mating call, that they practiced so hard to learn during the past year. Before long, their call was answered as the biggest and most aggressive moose the ever saw came crashing out of the forest into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, Bret calmly said to Barry (the guy in front) "Okay, let's jump out and get him." After frantically trying to unzip the zipper Bret (the guy in the back) yelled out "Barry the zipper is stuck! What are we gonna do now!?" Barry responded, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling on the grass in the meadow here,...But you better brace yourself."

2. Do you know what the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer nuts is? Beer Nuts usually cost about a buck fifty...Deer nuts, are under a buck!

1. One night during the local duck hunting season a police officer was staking out a rowdy country bar for a possible DUI violation. At closing time, he saw a duck hunter tumble out of the tavern, trip over a curb, and then try his keys in five or so vehicles before finding his own. He sat down in the front seat and fumbled around with his keys for several minutes and began to drive away. The police officer was waiting for him around the corner. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0:00. The puzzled officer demanded to know how this could be. The duck hunter replied with a smile and said "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Note: Although this last joke made me smile, just like it probably did you, I strongly urge all of you not to drink and drive, as my dad passed away a few years ago due to an accident caused by drinking and driving. Know when to say when, and always use a designated driver, thank you -Scott Steiner